so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
