Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
