i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
