I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
