Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
