I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
