Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
