You can't special order awesome
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
