Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
