I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
