coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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