I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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