Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize
