I'm so fucking centered right now
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
We talked him into tasing himself.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
