Got a toothbrush?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
foreskin is a definite game changer
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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