I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
