I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
