someone get that fucking seahorse.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
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