so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
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I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
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Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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