If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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