i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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