he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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