Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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