watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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