some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
