i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
So vagazzling was a success
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
