So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
