if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
