If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
