i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
