Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
