I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I love having hate sex.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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