when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
