I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
