were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
