new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
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He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
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Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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