It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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