I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
