i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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