Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
