Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
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