if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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