Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
