We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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