If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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