I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
