I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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