I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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