dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
