It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Even my vagina gasped.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
