a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
