Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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