Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
