I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
