I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You need a sexual gate keeper
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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