I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
