He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
