Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
